Sometimes I feel I'm in preservation mode.
I eat just enough in order not to pass out.
I sleep only to fit in.
I function only when necessary just so I fool people
I give just enough love to avoid questioning.
And the smiles, oh the smiles. They are my saviours, my ubiquitous camouflage that never fails me. Except from when the software gets to randomly choose one and decides to have some fun.
Sometimes I think I must look quite sad. I sometimes picture an imaginary mirror in front of me, like the other day in the car. And it feels as if my face is permanently affected by a stroke with sadness being the only emotion being able to be expressed.
I wonder if somebody noticed; someone in the other cars. Maybe I even looked funny to some of them. I wonder if my sadness is as visible as it feels. As graspable.
-You stopped having nightmares.
-Is this a bad thing?
-I'm not sure. Isn't it?
-You know there's nothing I can do about it.
-There must be something.
-I'm afraid not. I just don't care anymore. Besides, I've met someone else.
-What are you telling me?
-I'm telling you that I've met somebody. Somebody new. There's nothing really special about him. He's just new.
I miss it. I freaking miss it. I need to accept that. Yes, I know, I'm in a different place now and yes, I know, I'm more mature now and self-aware and all that crap. I am self-aware. Fuck yeah. I am aware that I can't help but miss it. Everything around me is expecting me to change, waiting for me to transform into another species and yet all my senses are telling me that I'm not made for this. No wait, I'm not made for just this. I can't be both though. I can't support a double life. I can't moonlight. Don't have the time, the energy, the will. All I have are my instincts. As if I've been bitten by a vampire and I'm trying to cover the mark. Can't fight blood.